Holiday Survival 101: Simplify, savor the moment

By Susan Aschoff
St. Petersburg Times

Clark Griswold is the poster child for holiday excess. His kin are the definition of family dysfunction. And when their Christmas goes up in flames, literally, it reminds us . . . of us.

Clark is the beleaguered dad in the now-classic movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." A Christmas overachiever, Clark struggles to make merry despite surly children, an uninvited cousin and the thousands of lights that go out after he has nailed them to the roof.

The movie becomes a parable for the emotional land mine-laden season of good cheer and bad blood. In the final analysis, Clark does the right thing, says one expert on relationships.

He does not flee.

"I always tell people, 'Don't take families for granted.' I see conflict as the basis for growth," says Herbert Rappaport, a professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia.

Rappaport is the author of "The Family Gathering Survival Plan," published in paperback just in time for seasonal get-togethers.

Holidays can be hard on the psyche. Rappaport says his practice invariably booms in January, when everybody comes in "either depressed or angry."

In a survey commissioned by the National Consumers League this year, 80 percent of adults reported stress in their lives, and a large majority blamed it on family.

The holiday season piles on more.

"I think there's a very significant part of our population that has a conflict about the holidays," Rappaport says. Disagreements range from when to open gifts to refusal to speak to another family member, sometimes for years.

Adopting a "survival mentality" is not the answer, Rappaport says. Nor is angry confrontation just as Mom prepares to light the menorah or dad to carve the Thanksgiving turkey. He advises tackling the hard work of repairing relationships during less hectic times. "It's not easy work. It's worthwhile work," he says.

If family friction occurs over specific holiday events, the answer may be to change traditions. Talk about how you want to mark the occasion so everyone can find joy, Rappaport says. Children, in particular, will not care about the trappings "if the mood in the household is celebratory and fun."
Newlyweds or newly combined families need to discuss how their traditions differ and how to meld them. "I worry about people who say, 'Whatever you want is fine,' " says Rappaport. "I have a little preference for the ones who yell" and work it out.

Clark Griswold trips over his own grandiosity. He finds the biggest tree in the forest but can't fit it in the house. He wants to gift his family with a swimming pool before the Christmas bonus is in hand. He wheedles every family member to be present for each moment of forced bonding.
"Simplify, simplify, simplify," Rappaport says.

Do not mentally wander into past grievances. Do not become frenzied. Be present in the moment.

A holiday is not an all-or-nothing event, he says.

"Stay close to the essence of the holiday and to who you and your family are."

Contributing: Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service